![]() This isn’t a tribute, it’s a travesty, like eating Mini-Spooners instead of Wheaties. Your breakfast hell might be IHOP at 4 a.m., a restaurant featuring avocado toast, or anything described as “continental,” but nothing can match a descent into “Breakfast,” the song. Look, I don’t know if this dead friend is real or not (what could possibly inspire this song, anyway?), but for their sake, I hope they really are gone from this world, because to be honored in this way by your friends is to have no true friends at all. Those here without the Lord, how do you cope? / For this morning we don’t mourn like those who have no hope / Oh, rise up Fruit Loop lovers, sing out Sweet and Low/With spoons held high, we bid our brother Cheerio I’ll send you a pair.” BOOM: the best fake Sopranos scene of all time. Imagine if you owe someone money and you go up to their desk to ask for a longer grace period and they ask, “Hey, do you own any pine pajamas?” And you say, “No.” And they say, “That’s too bad. I only stop here to say that “pine pajamas” needs to be co-opted into more sinister contexts. Therefore, the Newsboys didn’t date a lot in high school.īack when the chess club said our eggs were soft / Every Monday he’d say grace and hold our juice aloft / Oh, none of us knew his check-out time would come so soon / But before his brain stopped waving, he composed this tune. Exhibit D: The only reason a nerd would want to do well in gym is to impress the girls in their class, and since in high school, the least-cool thing you can do is care about anything, the Newsboys’ gym-class effort did not lead to impressing said girls. Only nerds care about doing well in gym, and only nerds would seek to do that by eating a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast. When Capn Crunch cereal was introduced in 1963, the idea of a crunchy breakfast cereal was fairly new. For jocks, gym class is high time for punking all the low-lifes around them they take it for granted. ![]() Exhibit C: It isn’t the jocks who care about gym in high school, but rather, the nerds. ![]() Exhibit B: That breakfast club cared a lot about gym class performance. Exhibit A: They were in a breakfast club. After a market survey in the early 1960s revealed that kids preferred crunchy foods to soggy ones, Quaker Oats Company decided to create Capn Crunch a corn. Theory: The Newsboys didn’t date a lot in high school. Breakfast clubbers, say the motto / That he taught us to repeat: ‘You will lose it in your gym class / If you wait till noon to eat’ ![]()
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