![]() ![]() the whole time I was conscious, describing what I was experiencing to my mom. so I have an idea of what happened but I couldn't remember because I didn't want to I was fighting it so hard I thought if I was to remember it I was never going to come back from it. I saw the beginning of what was going to play out. It was a disturbingly sick, evil feeling that I felt to my very core. The feelings that you described are exactly what I felt. Before the memory started playing out, I was fixated on a spot in my house, kind of blank starring half way there half way somewhere else in my mind. I thought I remembered everything that happened to me growing up. it doesn't help that I am in the same house where the abuse happened from before I can remember until I was a junior in high school. I was frozen there balling shaking my head, just like you described, scared to fully let the memory play out. It was like a memory that I suppressed was forcing itself out of me. I experienced this recently and it scared me beyond anything I've ever experienced. If I need to give more information pls let me know This only really happens with childhood memories, and I did experience a lot of childhood trauma, but it just doesn't make sense to me why the memories aren't of any sort of trauma yet they still feel like this. Like I'll look at the way the light is coming through the window, and it'll bring me back to a specific memory of when I was in third grade, looking out my kitchen's window and smelling my mom making eggs, and it instantly makes me feel sick to my stomach, and my heart races, and I feel very uncomfortable and instinctively shake my head as if to shake away the memory, even though I know it's not a bad memory. I've been wondering if anyone else experiences this or knows what it is, but I often get just random intrusive memories about my childhood that make me feel really awful, maybe triggered but it's not as intense? Even though they might not have anything to do with my trauma.
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